ELECTION SPECIAL: It's Time We Stopped Eating Fried Bull Testicles
PLUS wolf un-introduction, guaranteed dinner at Casa Bonita, and other timely ballot measures voters ought to consider. WRITTEN & ILLUSTRATED by PETER MOORE, special to THE COLORADO SUN
THE COLORADO SUN WAS ONE OF THE EARLIEST SUPPORTERS of my work. (Aside from you, my dear 7,000 subscribers!) Back when I was a cartoonist mostly in my own mind, The Sun took a flier on my drawings, which satirize this ridiculously wonderful place where I now live. For my Sun columns, I concentrate on the “ridiculous” part, and this year’s election qualifies. Don’t get me wrong: The choices at the top of the ticket are deadly serious. But down below, there’s comedy in the over-long list of ballot initiatives that Colorado voters have been asked to decide. Back in 2020, I actually voted to re-introduce of hungry carnivores to our Rocky Mountain paradise. Despite being terrified by “Peter and the Wolf” as a child!
As an act of penance, I just trashed ballot initiatives on The Sun website. My cartoon won’t un-introduce wolves, but at least I pushed the ballot-box conundrum to its maximum ridiculousness.
Otherwise, what’s a cartoonist for?
BETWEEN NOW AND NOVEMBER 5TH, Colorado voters have time to think about state ballot measures presenting lots of choices: Shoot cougars, lynx and bobcats, or let them eat our pets? Redefine marriage, or let it remain the usual mess? And, most importantly, what credentials do veterinary assistants need, aside from a willingness to shovel endless piles of dog poop?
But if we’re going to vote on 14 ballot initiatives — plus local, state and, oh yeah, national candidates — there should be room for a few more popular initiatives (i.e. ones I care about), too.
Put mountain-town mansions to use!
If a 12-bedroom ski chalet goes unused for more than two weeks per year, it should be automatically registered on AirBnb for $1 a night, with no cleaning fees.
Guaranteed reservations at Casa Bonita
It’ll just require a new venue, and there are large, underused buildings downtown.
Eating fried bull testicles has to stop.
There are so many other foods to fry! Including grasshoppers (see next item)!
Enough with the reintroduced species!
Let’s un-introduce a few. Note: We’ll repatriate Californians and Texans next election.
Solve overlong lift lines once and for all
Every fourth skier in front of me at Winter Park should be forcibly Snowstanged to Utah.
And finally, one vote to rule them all
“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” —William Jefferson Clinton
At this point in my substack, you have lots of options:
Or, if not, maybe…
…with someone who will!
Or even buy my vote me a beer, to get me through election night!
Meanwhile, dear U.S. residents, have you registered to vote? It’s probably not too late. Click here to find out how! There is in fact a deranged carnivore on this year’s ballot, and we need to send the beast back into the wilderness (Mar-a-Lago).
In any case, thanks for being here.
A tip of my cowboy hat to sharp-eyed reader Matt, who pointed out that cows, as ladies, do not have testicles. Ooof. I'm all hat and no cattle, evidently. Thanks, Matt!
Oh, I can't choose. They all hit the nail on the head. Maybe we could set up a dart board as a way to vote. Could get dangerous!