REVISITING: Oscars™ in an Instant!

Doddering old baseball sped up. Why not the Academy Awards™ telecast, too? WRITTEN™ & ILLUSTRATED™ by PETER™ MOORE™

MY TWO-BIGGEST TIME WASTERS every year are: 1. Any baseball game I watch from beginning to end, and 2. The Oscar™ telecast, which I watch from red carpet to red-eye conclusion, late in the night. Both of these institutions have taken steps to speed up their deliveries, which I made note of in a substack post that hardly anybody saw, last year. I now have 3,000 more subscribers than I did then! I’m surprised too! I’ll be skiing in Utah as you read this, so my stylus is taking the day off. I hope you enjoy this 1/100th as much as I do skiing at Snowbird.

---

THE AVERAGE BASEBALL GAME used to take so long that

• hirsute men could show up for batting practice and go bald by the seventh-inning stretch, and…

• their recently impregnated wives could deliver their babies, and wean them, by the final out.

But that was then.

This is now: New rules have been adopted this baseball season, to speed up the action, if any. And they’re working! Average games during spring training are down by twenty minutes—so no need to track them in geologic time.

Yer out!…exploratory groin scratches!

Yer out!…awkward pitcher-catcher eye contact!

Yer out!…geriatric managerial slow-walks across the infield!

Better yet: This opens the door for efficiency initiatives in other notoriously slow-moving spectacles.

The Oscars™, for instance, which will start at 4pm on March 12 and are likely to last until the next presidential election.

So, what if the rule changes that are shrinking baseball could mini-me the Oscars™ as well?

Play ball!

RULE CHANGE #1:

Baseball version: The pitcher must begin his motion to deliver the pitch before the expiration of the pitch timer.

Oscars™ version: Presenters must deliver joke within fifteen seconds of appearance on dais, even if they’re actually funny, like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

RULE CHANGE #2

Baseball version: Batters must be in the box and alert to the pitcher by the 8-second mark or else be charged with an automatic strike.

Oscars™ version: Nominees must be aligned for a LeMans start. First one to the statuette gets the Oscar™.

RULE CHANGE #3

Baseball version: Umpires may provide extra time if warranted by special circumstances.

Oscars™ version: If s/he needs a bathroom break, the orchestra leader may allow an Oscar™ winner (or substitute) to prattle on. The rest of us probably need to go, too.

No disrespect to Sachem Littlefeather, whose speech declining Marlon Brando’s Academy Award™ at the 1973 Oscars™ made more sense, and is better remembered, than almost anybody else’s acceptance speech.

Except Sally Fields’ speech, in 1985. We like her, right now we like her!

RULE CHANGE #4

Baseball version: The four infielders must be within the outer boundary of the infield when the pitcher is on the rubber.

Oscars™ version: During performances of Best Song nominees, dancers must fit on the same wobbly platform with lead singer, just like in the Super Bowl.

RULE CHANGE #5

Baseball version: The bases, which traditionally have been 15 inches square, will instead be 18 inches square. Home plate is unchanged.

Oscars™ version: The statuettes, which traditionally have been 13.5” tall, will now correspond to the boxoffice take of nominee.

Egos will remain the same size. As will Tom Cruise, no matter what shoes he’s wearing.

RULE CHANGE #6 (FOR FUTURE CONSIDERATION)

Baseball version: On field fighting will be resolved during the mascot races, with costumed combatants.

Oscars™ version: Frustrated non-winners each get a crack at Chris Rock, backstage.

Given the advent of face-slapping competitions, this isn’t even farfetched! Pity the poor cartoonist, who’s just trying to keep ahead of reality!

Ouch!