Oscars™ in an Instant!

Doddering old baseball is speeding up. Why not the Academy Awards™ telecast, too? WRITTEN™ AND ILLUSTRATED™ BY PETER™ MOORE™

THE AVERAGE BASEBALL GAME used to take so long that

• hirsute men could show up for batting practice and go bald by the seventh-inning stretch, and…

• their recently impregnated wives could deliver their babies, and wean them, by the final out.

But that was then.

This is now: New rules have been adopted this baseball season, to speed up the action, if any. And they’re working! Average games during spring training are down by twenty minutes—so no need to track them in geologic time.

Yer out!…exploratory groin scratches!

Yer out!…awkward pitcher-catcher eye contact!

Yer out!…geriatric managerial slow-walks across the infield!

Better yet: This opens the door for efficiency initiatives in other notoriously slow-moving spectacles.

The Oscars™, for instance, which will start at 4pm on March 12 and are likely to last until the next presidential election.

So, what if the rule changes that are shrinking baseball could mini-me the Oscars™ as well?

Play ball!

RULE CHANGE #1: