How to drive off persistent summer pests

SPECIAL TO THE COLORADO SUN: Six strategies for making sure some of our 90 million summer guests head to Utah instead. WRITTEN & ILLUSTRATED by PETER MOORE

The Colorado Sun became my fine state’s news-source-of-record as the hedge-fund vultures picked the carcass of the Denver Post. As I read and admired their coverage of all things Mile High, I thought: Damn, Colorado is a hilarious place! It takes itself sooooo seriously, it has plenty of terrible sports teams (and some great ones too), and we citizens indulge in all sorts of lunacy (uphill skiing, legal weed, national politics). Not to mention the many fun-to-draw critters that roam our woods and mountains. I mean, one moose cartoon is worth a thousand words, right?

And of course, there’s Boebert.

So I emailed the Sun’s editor, proposing a cartoon column to nudge our scenic state in its Instagrammable ribs. He took me up on the offer, and dozens of ‘toons later, Colorado remains ridiculous, thank goodness.

Here’s my latest. If you’re planning to visit me here, remember: Only kidding!

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Ninety million people will travel to Colorado this year. And sometimes it feels as if each of them are close relatives of mine. I love ‘em all. Still, living in this state is like winning Powerball: Suddenly your name is everybody’s “must-hit-up” list, even if you last saw them at a bar mitzvah during the Obama administration. 

The key is to welcome your guests in a way that doesn’t make them feel too welcome. That’s why I’ve adopted Blucifer as my Martha Stewart. As a host, he projects equal parts menace and hazard, which is just the way I want it. 

Welcome to Colorado, and I’ll stare at you with my glowing red eyes until you leave!

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Here are proven pestguest-management tips that will likely reduce future visits.

Tip No. 1

Set limits. It’s all about the fine print.

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 2

Give ’em the tourism bait-and-switch. Your guests didn’t think they’d actually get to do this stuff, did they?

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 3

Send them into the Rocky Mountain high-traffic zone. “Fourteeners” refers to the 14,000-foot elevation of our showiest mountains. Also the average number of daily hikers on each of them. 

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 4

Propose a roadtrip inspired by the Buell Theater’s most distracted patron. Rep. Boebert (R, 3rd. Wait, 4th?) gets around.  

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 5

There are terrible things about Colorado, too, you know. Last call at Coors Field is in the eighth inning. So when the Rockies’ bullpen stirs, make it a double. Our pitchers often do, usually with men on base. 

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 6

Send guests on a wild Google-maps chase. Your home is your castle. Fortunately, Colorado has a castle to spare, and it’s far, far away from almost everywhere.

(Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

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For more of my work in the Colorado Sun, click here.

“Every house guest brings you happiness. Some when they arrive, and some when they are leaving.” —Confucius

Don’t forget to sign the guestbook.