How to drive off persistent summer pests

SPECIAL TO THE COLORADO SUN: Six strategies for making sure some of our 90 million summer guests head to Utah instead. WRITTEN & ILLUSTRATED by PETER MOORE

Jul 13, 2024

The Colorado Sun became my fine state’s news-source-of-record as the hedge-fund vultures picked the carcass of the Denver Post. As I read and admired their coverage of all things Mile High, I thought: Damn, Colorado is a hilarious place! It takes itself sooooo seriously, it has plenty of terrible sports teams (and some great ones too), and we citizens indulge in all sorts of lunacy (uphill skiing, legal weed, national politics). Not to mention the many fun-to-draw critters that roam our woods and mountains. I mean, one moose cartoon is worth a thousand words, right?

And of course, there’s Boebert.

So I emailed the Sun’s editor, proposing a cartoon column to nudge our scenic state in its Instagrammable ribs. He took me up on the offer, and dozens of ‘toons later, Colorado remains ridiculous, thank goodness.

Here’s my latest. If you’re planning to visit me here, remember: Only kidding!

Ninety million people will travel to Colorado this year. And sometimes it feels as if each of them are close relatives of mine. I love ‘em all. Still, living in this state is like winning Powerball: Suddenly your name is everybody’s “must-hit-up” list, even if you last saw them at a bar mitzvah during the Obama administration.

The key is to welcome your guests in a way that doesn’t make them feel too welcome. That’s why I’ve adopted Blucifer as my Martha Stewart. As a host, he projects equal parts menace and hazard, which is just the way I want it.

Welcome to Colorado, and I’ll stare at you with my glowing red eyes until you leave!

A cartoon of the blue mustang that stands outside Denver International Airport — (Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Here are proven ~~pest~~guest-management tips that will likely reduce future visits.

Tip No. 1

Set limits. It’s all about the fine print.

A cartoon of the Welcome to Colorful Colorado sign that has been annotated — (Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 2

Give ’em the tourism bait-and-switch. Your guests didn’t think they’d actually get to do this stuff, did they?

Six illustrated panels showing the best and worst things about visiting Colorado — (Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 3

Send them into the Rocky Mountain high-traffic zone. “Fourteeners” refers to the 14,000-foot elevation of our showiest mountains. Also the average number of daily hikers on each of them.

A drawing of a mountain peak with dozens of stick figures walking up one side and down the other — (Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 4

Propose a roadtrip inspired by the Buell Theater’s most distracted patron. Rep. Boebert (R, 3rd. Wait, 4th?) gets around.

A hand-drawn map of Colorado with the route of Laure Boebert mapped out in red dashed lines — (Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 5

There are terrible things about Colorado, too, you know. Last call at Coors Field is in the eighth inning. So when the Rockies’ bullpen stirs, make it a double. Our pitchers often do, usually with men on base.

A drawing of the exterior of Coors Field — (Peter Moore, Special to The Colorado Sun)

Tip No. 6

Send guests on a wild Google-maps chase. Your home is your castle. Fortunately, Colorado has a castle to spare, and it’s far, far away from almost everywhere.