Big Foot-Care Tips from Sasquatch

Stepping out this spring? Follow in the footprints of the legendary hominid.

As a working journalist I have had many high-profile interviews, including a sitting president in the Oval Office (not that one thank goodness), several high-profile movie stars (including one whose name rhymes with Schmatt Schmamon), and a certified genius or two (Buckminster Fuller, Lassie). But all of those chats take a backseat to my most recent get: the hunky hominid himself—Sasquatch. One of the first 8mm films of the Maned Mountaineer was shot in Colorado’s Rawah Wilderness, not far from where I live. So I played the local angle while speaking with his publicist, and voilà: I was able to download legendary foot-care tips from a guy who really knows, right down to his exceedingly long and hairy toes.

1. Wash ‘em, trim ‘em, grease ‘em. “I practice preventive maintenance before I sneak along the trail,” said the elusive biped. “A filthy foot means more friction, and untrimmed toenails fight like warring siblings. Take a page from me and Mrs. ‘Squatch: Lube helps, too.”

   

2. Stop for hot s…