Why Buy the Substack Cow when You Get Grade A Milk for Free?
Because, the cow needs mooooooooooooooooooooooooo-lah to keep producing, that's why! WRITTEN & ILLUSTRATED by PETER MOORE
ARE YOU A FREE SUBSCRIBER TO THE ROAD2ELSEWHERE? You’re one among 4,356 discriminating and good-looking people! Thank you!
Paying subscriber here? You’re one of a few dozen proud, generous, latter-day Medicis! And even more discriminating and even better looking, if that’s even possible. Thank you thank you thank you!
Of course, the non-paying majority may have a point. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Here’s why: It takes a whole lotta grass to produce Grade-A milk!
Mooooooooooo!
I held a brainstorm with myself for 101 other reasons you should consider tossing a few bucks in the basket, at the optional tollbooth on the Road2Elsewhere.
For instance….
You know how hard it is to come up with 101 of anything?
This column is 100% gluten free.
The Road2 Elsewhere was not built on Tribal Lands.
Cartoonists are as rare as moderate Republicans. Don’t let them vanish from the earth! (The cartoonists, that is.)
I don’t have a podcast, and if enough of you become I paid subscribers, I promise I won’t launch one
I’m not an influencer. Clearly.
This is the ad-free version of my substack. Alas.
Endorsed by Napoleon Bonaparte: “To understand the man you have to know what was happening in the world when he was twenty.”
He told me that on my recent horseback ride with him.
Better than almost every other email you receive.
My wife corrects the spelling errors in everything I write. After I post them.
Waht she deosn’t ctach, my freind Ann deos.
If this is the end of the world, we might as well go down laughing.
Art supplies don’t grow on trees, people.
OMG, how long is it until we get to 101?
Need to take a little break…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,
It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness,
It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,
It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness,
It was the spring of hope,
It was the winter of despair,
We had everything before us,
We had nothing before us,
We were all going direct to Heaven,
We were all going direct the other way
In short, the period was so far like the present period that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
That was written by Charles Dickens, by the way.
He was one of my early mentors, as you’ll note from my position in his left armpit.
We’re getting there!
No animals were harmed in the creation of this Substack
Not a rom-com.
No sex tips.
No financial tips, either.
References to electoral politics are strictly limited.
36.Except occasionally.
And this time too.
38. Reliable distraction from what you should be doing.
39. Access to full digital archive of 270+ posts, and growing every week.
Like you have time for 270+ posts, and growing every week.
41. But what the hell, you’ve made it to reason number 40 of 101, so maybe you do have time!
42. Fat free.
43. Makes Wednesdays better.
44. Ditto Saturdays, if that’s possible.
45. Every subscription comes with free round-trip airfare to the European capitol of your choice.
46. Not really.
47. Will help me convince a Big Deal Book Agent to sell my illustrated memoir, so I can stop begging you for money.
But I aint too proud to beg, as we’ve already established.
49. The New Yorker refuses to publish my stuff. How do you think that makes me feel?
50. Gratuitous drawings of Paris.
Halfway point!
52. If I can do this, you have permission, too.
53. Unlikely to catch a virus here.
54. Though I can’t swear you won’t catch a computer virus, here.
55. Russian bots are bound to notice my antipathy toward Putin, after all.
56. You won’t actually miss that $5/month.
57. If you will, please do keep subscribing for free.
58. But, c’mon. I’m trying to make a living here!
59. OK, so I’m not Heather Cox Richardson. Who is?
Oh. Heather Cox Richardson is in fact HCR. Subscribe to Letters from an American here!
But she rakes in about $5 million from her Substack. I’d settle for 20% of that.
Then quit immediately and head back to Paris.
If you think that looks like a marshmallow stuck on the top of the Eiffel Tower, I can see your point.
Another reason to become a paid subscriber: More art classes for me, which can only help.
Did you know I’ve been a writer and editor since before the Internet was invented? I might need an engine tune-up. Or new glasses.
Two-thirds milepost. You can smell 101 from here!
My dad was an accountant, so you can trust my count.
I did the Wordle today. You, too? See how much you and I and 1,734,227 NYT readers have in common!
Today’s Wordle solution was “organ,” by the way. How many tries for you?
I just hit a new record in successful Wordle solutions (57 in a row!), so I’m being very conservative in my guesses. Don’t want to start over.
OK, fine, it took me three guesses today and the NYT Bot still beat me.
That’s why I put this so far down on the list.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah: Reasons for you to subscribe!
I have a remarkable ability to maintain focus on the task at hand.
Look at the shiny object!
I only became a paid artist/illustrator last year, so you can get in on the ground floor of Peter’s Art, Inc.
Comedy = tragedy + time.
Buy me more time!
No thanks on supplying extra tragedy. There’s plenty of that everywhere I look.
How many people do you know what can draw and write?
Take that, Heather Cox Richardson! You can’t draw a lick!
It’s almost time for lunch. Can you help me out? I’ve left blanks for the next five reasons to become a paid subscriber. Provide your own!
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OK, pencils down, and thank you, dear readers!
Just like Colorado, this is now wolf habitat. No other substack can say that!
I offer practical solutions for busy lives, as well.
Dolly shows up here, occasionally, to cheer me on.
Included: Free subscription to Hammock Life magazine. (Only one issue; now defunct, like nearly every other print magazine I’ve worked for.)
Nudes.
Special offer for people who made it all the way to Reason #95: Annual subscription for only $30! Act now, before I come to my senses!
Knock knock.
Who’s There?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t offer 201 reasons to become a paid subscriber to my substack?
101. Unlimited rides on the mirth truck. (You help pay for the laughing gas!)
Those are bluebirds flying out of the tailpipe, FYI. Nobody ever seems to understand that.
“Lists are anti-democratic, discriminatory, elitist, and sometimes the print is too small.”
—David Ives
Here’s the link! Become a paid subscriber before July 10, and get 40% off the already low-self-esteem pricing!
https://petermoore.substack.com/beg
Or comment about how the cost of this substack is just too damn high.
Thanks for joining me here.
Coolest list I ever did read! 🧐
OK, Peter, you wore me down! Such histrionics. ;-) ❤️